“Just Friends?”…Are You Kidding Me?

Can Men And Women Be “Just Friends”?

I’ve been struggling with this question my entire life.  I
love my girlfriends and I love my guyfriends.  But, I’m finally realizing men and women approach friendship differently.

I’ve had many male friends who I feel blessed to share my life with.  We talk, meet for lunch or dinner a few times each month.  Sometimes we play a round of golf, go for walks, just like I would with my girlfriends.  We even talk about the same things; current events, music, clothes, sports.

I’m always upfront about my dating status.  I say things like “I would be happy to play golf with you, but I’m not interested in dating.”  I think I’m being clear.

Everything seems to be going along fine and then the “look in his eye”, that smile, touch on the leg.  You just know he wants more.  And, I’m immediately wanting less.  Not even wanting the friendship.

How does being a friendly person get translated into “I’m into you.”  I haven’t figured out the difference between what is being nice and kind, and what is sending the message of interest to a man.

I was totally confused until I Googled, “Can men and women be just friends?”  To my surprise I found pages of articles on the subject.

It seems that this is an on-going theme, having been studied for the last decade.  The articles explained what’s happening.  I finally understand.  An article written by Adrian F. Ward and posted on the Scientific American website, spoke about a survey that was taken ten years ago at the University of Wisconsin with total anonymity.  All names were withheld, and “friends” could speak freely about their true feelings for their “just friends” friend.

It seems that all men overestimated the woman’s attraction to them.  And conversely, all of the women underestimated the man’s attraction to them.

Now, this has been my problem for years.  I have been honest about my “friend” status, but it seems that the males (although saying they are satisfied with the “friend” status) are really just biding their time in hopes that you will eventually change your mind and fall hopelessly in love with them. (or have sex with them)

Cosmo Landesman states:

 That wonderful male friend who offers you a shoulder to
 cry on, or company when you can’t get a date on a Saturday
 night?  The one you’re certain has no sexual interest in you?
 That man is a liar.  That man is a cheat.  He’s a con man guilty
 of relationship fraud.  (Cosmo states he was once that man!)

In a blog post by “The Attraction Doctor,” Dr. Jeremy Nicholson lists tips for negotiating a
satisfying opposite-sex friendship:

1. Understand different friendship needs (not only your needs).
2. Communicate your intentions (you both need to be honest about your desires).
3. Stay with fair trades. (if you both are looking for company, conversation and mutual
   support, the relationship may work).  If you have different desires, that may lead to
   frustration and hard feelings.

As with all relationships, clear communication is the only way to go.

Depending on your experience, you may say men and women can never be “just friends.”
I’d love to hear your viewpoint.